4

i cant see me in the mirror over the counter
got to jump a little bit to see my eyes
cant reach up to atop my bureau
things disappear up there

like under the bed with puffs of fluffy dust
down theres me and my rainbow bunny
my navy blue bag
my kingdom of imaginary cats

next room over is him
blue and green blankets
first friend best friend big brother
taller of course
knows where all the holes are
he asks me to spread and show him
shows me his, surprising weird springy upright thing
asks me to play
bathtub, bedtime
till mom comes in mom mom
okay

other times he crushes my throat with his arm
my back on the wall
know whats amazing?
when you can't breathe you cant scream
no air no sound
when he stops the scream blazes out of me
and mom rushes in
first mom best mom mom mom
calls me a spoiled brat
spoiled brat

other times he
no I dont know
i didnt mention how we shared our kingdom of cats
how we laughed and made fountains with bricks and the garden hose
just how he told me about the middle hole
and showed me pictures of naked women loading line by line
on our old dial-up-modem

was it horrible then
or did it only become that way after
when I got tall enough to stare in the mirror
to see atop my bureau
the thick layer of dust
the piles of plastic lunchbox trinkets and glitter hairties
it was a total goddamn mess
okay